i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
