Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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