i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
