Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
