Tell her she can't have a vagina
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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