I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
