That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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