my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
