i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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