I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
