We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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