Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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