We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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