Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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