Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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