I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
