she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
