Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
