her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
