I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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