you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
