Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
