I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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