Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
