Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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