He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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