so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
