Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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