Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
