She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
