Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
