She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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