remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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