I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
