Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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