Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
