Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
