How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
