Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
