I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
