just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
