you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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