Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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