Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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