You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
