I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
