Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
