I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
