neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
