Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
