I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
