I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
