Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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