I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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