i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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