Only a mothe r could love this liver
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
